What I saw in those articles was soon forgotten once I tuned into G4TV’s coverage of E3. E3 is the Electronic Entertainment Expo and every year it is the staging ground for all things new and upcoming in the gaming world to be shown off to the public. During the live broadcast from Microsoft, they gave a short demo of what was then called Project Natal. Aside from a really cool name it displayed interaction involving no controller at all. 

I was sold. I knew of course about my beloved PS3′s motion system (which I did buy but was disappointed with it so I made it a gift to my friend’s kid) but that still involved controllers. I love shiny new things and Kinect (what Project Natal’s name was changed to) was what I wanted. 

Over the summer I played maybe 5 games on my Xbox 360. The controller felt bulky to me and just…dated. I did find a great use for it, however. Netflix. I bought myself a subscription because of their new streaming feature and their very well done iPhone app. I watch most my movies on my iPhone 4. When I felt like watching on tv, I would use my 360, which I’ve since nicknamed my Netflix 360. 

Soon, that will all change. I pre ordered a Kinect system and as I write this it’s in transit. I hope to “be the controller” in less than a week. This collides with my Black Ops time in a way, but I went ahead and got my copy of that game for the 360 so hopefully I’ll be able to balance the two perfectly. Or at least trick myself into thinking it’s balanced. Who knows?

In the past week I’ve been reading just about every review or article posted concerning the Kinect. I wanted to see what casual gamers were saying and what hardcore gamers were saying also. In my reading the articles themselves were what I expected. Specs, complaints about launch titles and the required space to use it properly, how it’s now sold out everywhere online etc. 

The space issue made me giggle. Between that and people constantly saying “taking the plunge” like getting the Kinect was the equivalent of buying a new car I had lots of laughs during my browsing. The system requires a 6′ x 8′ area in front of the TV to function properly. I measured out this area in front of mine (in my bedroom) and I have a space that’s 8′ x 8′. A perfect square. Here’s what made me giggle about the complaints. This hardware is not meant to be set up in a cramped dorm room or in a mobile home. I couldn’t help but imagine comments in a few weeks from Nancy Mctrailerhome about how it doesn’t work on her RCA 27″ stereophonic set bought in 1981. 

It’s meant to be on huge displays. It’s meant to be enjoyed in spaces big enough to entertain without having to play Extreme Home Makeover every time you feel like playing with your Kinectimal. Forgive me if this sounds shallow but I’m simply stating my opinion based on it’s design and functionality potential. 

This brings me to my next point. It’s potential. A lot of the comments I read focused on bashing the games. I personally don’t understand that at all. This is not about just games. It’s a whole new way to interact with your console. Voice commands? Check. Hand gestures to sift through menus? Check. This is Minority Report tech made real, people!

I am extremely excited to try this out and because of the massive overload of info I’ve taken in this week I figured I’d put some of my thoughts together and write something. It’s been a while since I genuinely felt like writing something I’m actually ok with putting out into the world. 

I realize I am now in the midst of a near $800.00 gamble on a console that could either fail or be completely replaced in a couple years but such is my life. When I see shiny and new? I go all in. What do I hope to see in the years to come? I hope that further upgrades to the 360 will allow for Netflix and PC control through Kinect. I hope to be able to video call someone while in game and even stream myself playing. I also want voice to text twitter updates. I want a lot of things. For now though, all I can do is wait. 

Life truly seems to have it out for me and of course as I continue my day to day settling and processing of who I am and what I plan to do life throws me another curve ball.

Custody of two kids. I’m no father type. I’m not a good role model or even a half decent one. I’m weak, emotional, full of doubts and fears, broken at my very core. I’m also the only person who will take this responsibility. It’s not a sign of me having character, it’s a last ditch effort from an equally broken family.

I’m not excited about this. I’m angry. Hurt. Confused. There have been moments in the past week where I sat and broke my own skin. I needed to have control over something. I needed to feel. I found no answers in that exercise. Just a momentary lapse from what surrounds me. What engulfs me. What…traps me.

I want to run away from this. I want to go back to the attorney and renounce my decision. I want to stop feeling so out of control. I feel so unloved. I feel burdened and stuck in the center of a dark tunnel. So confined. I can’t see, I can’t breathe. There’s no light on either end leaving me blind. I turn and think I’m going in the right direction only to realize too late I headed straight into a wall. Turning again, trying to have faith in myself I press forward. Right into another wall.

There’s no changing this now. It became too late when my name bled out from that damned pen.

Family obligation is a stifling, controlling, cruel master and I’m it’s pathetic mute slave. I’ve no voice. I cannot even form the words. They run from me as I wish to run from here. To run from all of this.

It’s at these times when I am most broken and torn a part by my silly excuse for a life that the strangest thing happens. My mind becomes calm. Clear and articulate for enough time to hold more than the innumerable painful thoughts that usually clutter my void.

Thoughts of why I’m here. Thoughts of my own actions taking me not away and into the world but keeping me close until I’m near the only one left.

I lead myself here. I walked head first into this tunnel ignoring all warnings to find another path. No one forced me here.